Just when you go making plans for yourself, your future, your surroundings, everything gets flip turned upside down (Prince of Bel-Air Style, absolutely). You know, I always had a plan, step-by-step for myself after graduating high school, a short four years ago. Not a single part of that plan has worked out, and I am constantly catching myself getting my white-out pen out and making changes accordingly.
I have learned VERY quickly in the past few weeks that things hit you when you'd least expect them, curve balls are thrown, and you must scramble to get through it. That really teaches you a lot about yourself in a big, swift hurry. Two weeks ago I was living a stress free life, with the exception of whether or not to pay the minimum balance on my credit card. I was in a happy-go-lucky (with the usual complications) relationship, living in an apartment with a comical cat and a uber tall boyfriend. I wasn't married, I was child-less, there was no possibility of a child but was feeling under the weather. I had dreams of getting married (ASAP!), having a basketball team full of children, living where ever the wind had blown us, since I wasn't picky about location. I had always had a worry in the back of my out-of-control brain that I wouldn't ever be able to have children because that is the ONLY thing that will never change from my to-do list. I want lots of children and I want to be a mother. I have a collection of kid's books and a few movies just in case a motherless child ends up on my doorstep. I am so excited to share my passion for life and love for children with my own.
Fourteen days later, I am still in an apartment with a comical cat, still in a relationship, still not married, and still childless. Somewhere in those fourteen days I lost a baby I never knew I had after a weekend of excruciating cramps and a personal experience of hell on earth. I am now an emotional tornado, feeling these horrible feelings I never knew I was capable of, but feeling grateful at the same exact time because now I know I am capable of having children (maybe!). It's a long, horrible, typical story that really doesn't stir up any emotions.
Well, I guess it does stir up emotions, subconsciously perhaps, as I am an undiagnosed walking bi-polar bear. Hopefully it's temporary, but my mind does not focus on the bad. I have lost my appreciation for the small things in life that used to excited me every second of every day. I am left feeling empty almost, uncapable of feeling unless I'm on one of my rages. Perhaps it's because, somehow, everyone knows. Since everyone knows, they are sending me "sorry" cards, "what you went through was traumatic" cards, cards I should be forever grateful for. So why do I feel so angry?
I feel angry because I don't like people feeling sorry for me, miscarriages are like a 50/50 chance, add me to the statistics list. I feel angry because I didn't know I had a baby before he/she was already gone, which is something I should be happy about. I feel angry because I feel like I have no way of getting anything off of my chest without looking like I belong in a looney bin, tied up, surrounded by padded walls. I'm angry because I'm not more grateful for the GOOD things in my life right now. I'm angry at myself for not being more upset about losing the baby, MY baby. I'm angry because I don't know why I'm so angry, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. So it's a grab bag? Take a few crazy feelings one second, and the next, feel completely opposite? What the hell is going on?! Not being able to make sense of my thoughts and feelings is driving me absolutely bonkers. (totally mature word choice, I know).
Annnnnyways, I'm a disaster, but I can't let anyone know because there is nothing anyone can do, really. This whole thing has put serious friction into my not-so-happy-go-lucky relationship and made me feel like a walking zombie. I'm working on it, I am, but my seriously pessimistic attitude is really cramping my style. I hope one of these days it's windy and gets a serious hold on this nonsense and blows it VERY far away, I'd be comfortable with it going more towards the Dakota area. I'm ready to be happy, to move on, love the small things. Enjoy reading a children's book every night before bed and get excited that someone held the door open for me. I'm ready to remember what it feels like to be happy, because I don't remember what it feels like. It was only EIGHT days ago that I was oblivious. I'll take that back.
Don't sweat the small stuff right? Keep your chin up, make sure to count your blessings. bladdybladdyblah. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow =]
