Life isn't meant to be planned.

Just when you go making plans for yourself, your future, your surroundings, everything gets flip turned upside down (Prince of Bel-Air Style, absolutely). You know, I always had a plan, step-by-step for myself after graduating high school, a short four years ago. Not a single part of that plan has worked out, and I am constantly catching myself getting my white-out pen out and making changes accordingly.

I have learned VERY quickly in the past few weeks that things hit you when you'd least expect them, curve balls are thrown, and you must scramble to get through it. That really teaches you a lot about yourself in a big, swift hurry. Two weeks ago I was living a stress free life, with the exception of whether or not to pay the minimum balance on my credit card. I was in a happy-go-lucky (with the usual complications) relationship, living in an apartment with a comical cat and a uber tall boyfriend. I wasn't married, I was child-less, there was no possibility of a child but was feeling under the weather. I had dreams of getting married (ASAP!), having a basketball team full of children, living where ever the wind had blown us, since I wasn't picky about location. I had always had a worry in the back of my out-of-control brain that I wouldn't ever be able to have children because that is the ONLY thing that will never change from my to-do list. I want lots of children and I want to be a mother. I have a collection of kid's books and a few movies just in case a motherless child ends up on my doorstep. I am so excited to share my passion for life and love for children with my own.

Fourteen days later, I am still in an apartment with a comical cat, still in a relationship, still not married, and still childless. Somewhere in those fourteen days I lost a baby I never knew I had after a weekend of excruciating cramps and a personal experience of hell on earth. I am now an emotional tornado, feeling these horrible feelings I never knew I was capable of, but feeling grateful at the same exact time because now I know I am capable of having children (maybe!). It's a long, horrible, typical story that really doesn't stir up any emotions.

Well, I guess it does stir up emotions, subconsciously perhaps, as I am an undiagnosed walking bi-polar bear. Hopefully it's temporary, but my mind does not focus on the bad. I have lost my appreciation for the small things in life that used to excited me every second of every day. I am left feeling empty almost, uncapable of feeling unless I'm on one of my rages. Perhaps it's because, somehow, everyone knows. Since everyone knows, they are sending me "sorry" cards, "what you went through was traumatic" cards, cards I should be forever grateful for. So why do I feel so angry?

I feel angry because I don't like people feeling sorry for me, miscarriages are like a 50/50 chance, add me to the statistics list. I feel angry because I didn't know I had a baby before he/she was already gone, which is something I should be happy about. I feel angry because I feel like I have no way of getting anything off of my chest without looking like I belong in a looney bin, tied up, surrounded by padded walls. I'm angry because I'm not more grateful for the GOOD things in my life right now. I'm angry at myself for not being more upset about losing the baby, MY baby. I'm angry because I don't know why I'm so angry, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. So it's a grab bag? Take a few crazy feelings one second, and the next, feel completely opposite? What the hell is going on?! Not being able to make sense of my thoughts and feelings is driving me absolutely bonkers. (totally mature word choice, I know).

Annnnnyways, I'm a disaster, but I can't let anyone know because there is nothing anyone can do, really. This whole thing has put serious friction into my not-so-happy-go-lucky relationship and made me feel like a walking zombie. I'm working on it, I am, but my seriously pessimistic attitude is really cramping my style. I hope one of these days it's windy and gets a serious hold on this nonsense and blows it VERY far away, I'd be comfortable with it going more towards the Dakota area. I'm ready to be happy, to move on, love the small things. Enjoy reading a children's book every night before bed and get excited that someone held the door open for me. I'm ready to remember what it feels like to be happy, because I don't remember what it feels like. It was only EIGHT days ago that I was oblivious. I'll take that back.

Don't sweat the small stuff right? Keep your chin up, make sure to count your blessings. bladdybladdyblah. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow =]

My life is full of simple ! =]

Pandora gets me through my workdays.
JK Rowling makes me want an invisibilty cloak.
The Office gives me comebacks, quotes, and enjoyment every single day.
StumpleUpon.com teaches me something new daily.
Gmail reminds me when I've forgotten a subject for my emails and keeps me in touch with my grandparents.
Jodi Picoult makes me appreciate all types of people and religions.
Fronteirville is both embarrasing and lots of fun.
Kaplan online makes me appreciate technology.
Lie to Me makes me want to work for the FBI.
Dreaming scares me.
My one cup coffee pot is incredible.

My Rock

Maybe it's not exactly morning. But for some reason I just cannot get that out of my head. It's probably my favorite saying in the world, I love hearing it, I love saying it, I just think its a very comforting phrase.

So it's finally Friday, and here I am, so bored at work with so much to say and such confusion as how to say it. I'm so thankful for so many people in my life. In my heart I believe every person who I have met throughout my life has changed me some way, and for that I am so thankful. I am perfectly happy with who I am, and I have everyone in my life to thank for that. . .
My Role Model. you are truly my hero. you have no idea what you have done for my life, more than just your given role. You have had the most impact on my life, and I thank you so much for that. You are incredible, and everyone knows. You're too incredible. too nice. too forgiving. too caring, and that is exactly how God wants you to be. You are on this earth to live the life your living, and you are doing a wonderful job. Many, many negative situations have come your way, you and I know that more than anyone. And you have handled them better than anyone I know. I am so lucky to have you in my life to teach me such valuable qualities. That qualities you possess are the ones I admire most, the qualities I hope to possess someday. You have taught me to be forgiving, to be honest. You have completely sculpted me to be everything I could ask for. My relationship with you, my family, God, animals, the world in general, I am so thankful for. I am thankful for being able to see you everyday, to have a relationship where we give and we take. We each have something to offer eachother, and I believe in the past few months we have learned a lot from eachother. I want you to know I'm proud of you for everything you do. For finding your path. For getting rid of the people who bring you down, for realizing that however nice and honest some people may seem, they have other intentions for your loving personality. God's testing you, and you are doing a wonderful job. Maybe it's taken you this long to realize that some of those fantastic qualities need to watched a little closer so you don't get robbed blind, but hey, you've realized it, and you have the rest of your life to be even better. You're a wonderful person who loves more than she's capable of. You're an inspiration to many, and I hope you don't let others negativity bring you down. People are jealous, people don't understand the compassion, the hurt, the betrayal you can feel sometimes because you are more capable of true feelings than most anyone I know, and people dont understand that, and that makes people angry. So forget them, you have too much to do with your life from here on out to listen to people who have nothing good to say. Like you always said, make choices for yourself, because those approvals you are looking for from others don't really care at the end of the day, they just want someone's life to dictate when their bored. Make choices for you, for those who love you most. Those are the right ones. Follow your heart Mom, it's always right.

My best friend. you have touched my life in a way i didnt know possible. your personality, so opposite mine has truly changed who i am. your sweet, your strong, and you handle situations better than anyone i know. You're very reluctant to being vulnerable, and that is a quality I wish for myself sometimes, and you have taught me exactly when to use it. You're hilarious, and make me laugh harder than anyone I know, and boy does that really irk a lot of people, haha. We have more memories than I thought my memory bank could hold, and that is what I love most about our relationship. Beyond each and every one of the hard times, the stress, the pain and heartache, has come ten hilarious memories. Our relationship is honest, and for being my younger sister, you apparantly look ten years older than me. Your a dork, and everyone loves you. That is something I have always been envious of. Your sweet and caring enough to get yourself out there, to make lots of friends, aquaintances atleast, you have so many people that love you and care about you, you never have to worry about not having someone to talk to, even though you seem to do that often. Sometimes I think you forget just how much I love you, and how much I see our relationship as so much more than funny memories. We've all been through rough times, and I couldn't have done it without you. Your attitude and your humor has really made tough times seem like a walk in the park. You make me laugh when I'm crying or when I'm so mad I could kill you. However, I can say the same for you =] we're so opposite its funny, because any other circumstances outside of being forced to be your friend, and hold your stupid hand when we're fighting, I don't know how close we would be, because I probably would have been extremely jealous of you. You're incredible sister, and I am so lucky to have you, and the relationship I do. I just wish you would stop forgetting that I am always here for you, and when times are tough on you, it's me who you can come to. I always have an open shoulder, you know that. Stuntin is a habit =]


My longest and forever friend. you, my love, you are far beyond words. People just couldn't understand what our friendship is like. It's weird, crazy, awesome, and almost supernatural. haha. Nobody would understand, or maybe they would, they'd just think we were crazy. absolutely insane. You've moved away from me, which makes me so sad, but hey, you did it before, and we never grew apart any more than we ever did, so i'm not worried one bit. You are that voice that sits on my shoulder, and the one who reassures me of my feelings, because chances are at one point in time, or even at that moment, you are feeling the same way. I couldn't imagine being more identical to someone, not in the aspect of looks, or even personality, but our lives, our loves, our interest, are so similar it's incredible. Our lives have gone in the same direction since before we knew eachother, we can talk for hours without stopping every day of the week, theres always something new to talk about, theres always a new mood to discover. You're friendship means more to me than you know. You know me at times better than I know myself, and you've changed my life. You put a person into my life that I've needed all along, and I thank you so much for that. You're an amazing friend Chels :) and I'm so happy we've stayed so close for so long. And although we've both done some stupid stupid things, and screwed some awesome things up, royally, it always ends up being okay. and our motto of "everything happens for a reason" is totally right, because without each and every one of our screwups, we wouldnt be as happy as we are now, andddddd so. your amazing, and i love you =]

the rest of the world. there are so many people in this world that have changed my life, some of them I don't even know. There are so many people that I wish I could just thank, for what they've done, most of those people are the ones that have really screwed myself, or my family, or someone I love over. Those are the people I would thank most. For making me appreciate the good, love the ones I do, and to take that bad experience and add it to the experience belt. =]

Luckyluckyluckylucky

I never for a second would ever everrrrr take back or change a second of my life. I love my life. I love my past. and I am so happy I have experienced what I have, because it has taught me so much not only about myself, but so much more about the people around me. I feel like I've learned a lot more throughtout my life than most. I've been blessed with having multiple passions, and with every passing day, I develop a greater appreciation for everything in my life. I appreciate all of the good things in my life, from the big things to the small things. I find more enjoyment in appreciating the stupid small things, because those, I believe, are what are most important. It's important to appreciate the small things, and even the bad. Because its from those that you learn.

I was thinking the other day, after a silly little situation that could have been a lot better and definitely could have been a lot worse. I had to pick up a check from my boss's house, and his driveway is completely uphill, completely ice. and on both sides of his driveway is a bank, so to speak, (we can call it a cliff for dramatic effect). haha. So basically, if your not on the driveway, your on the ground, 10 feet below. The driveway obviously gradually goes further uphill, so the fall gets less the closer you are to the bottom. ANYWAYSSS, his driveway was completely ice and I was having a hard time getting up it, and when I was backing down the driveway to leave, I turned my wheel to straighten out, and my back right tire slid off the side of the driveway.

At this point. I was sweating bullets. I mean, this stupid simple trip turned into somethign that could cost me thousands of dollars, easy. I can't drive forward, because it is uphill and completely ice, I;ll just end up sliding further backwards. I can't turn my wheel and back up. Basically. Either way I'm coming off the side of the driveway, whether I like it or not. I just sat there for about ten or fifteen minutes, like that would change the situation. My car could flip. My car's complete underside could be torn off completely by the cement side of the driveway. It was awful.

I just had to go. and pray for the best. So i did. I slowly let my car fall off. It made the most awful noise you would want to hear, and sounded like my car had just lost the complete underside. I was pretty sure my car was a goner.

My car was fine. My car is still fine. My boss said he couldn't believe where I had come off of his driveway, and he couldn't believe my car didn't flip. But really, the whole thing really shouldn't have been that big of a deal right? I mean nothing was harmed, it all worked out..... so its over?

Absolutely not. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I keep thinking about what would have happened if my car did flip? or if i did lose something underneath, what would I have done then?? What if I got out of the driveway just fine?

When bad things happen, you learn from them. When bad things happen, you hopefully understand and appreciate that things could be a LOT worse. Or you can wish that it had never happened. There are always two sides right?

So here is my thought. If bad things don't happen, how do you learn, or appreciate? If I would have gotten out of his driveway just fine, would I have driven as safely home as I did? Probably not. I wouldn't have scolded myself for the rest of the week for not paying closer attention. I would have carried on with my life, being ignorant as usual. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have realized how lucky I was that it wasn't worse. So its just a vicious circle in my head I guess. Like, how can you really sit back, and appreciate a situation that could have been a lot worse, if it never happens??

I almost wish, that we could be given a superpower that allows us to get out of situations like that safely, and free of any trouble, but then lets us see what could have happened, and how lucky we are. If everybody could see what could have happened, that didn't, maybe then they would realize how lucky they really are.

This stupid little incident has really made me think so so much about my life. How ridiculous is that? Pretty crazy. I just know so many people who constantly talk about the bad. and how bad THEY have it. I just wish they could sit back and really think about how lucky they are to be in that bad situation, because it could be so much worse.

Everything we experience is meant as a lesson. If we don't have those experiences, we cannot learn, we cannot appreciate, we cannot take that experience, add it to the belt and learn to be more careful next time.

I am very thankful for that stupid encounter with the driveway of the devil. My car is safe, I am safe, and I even walked away with a lot of life lessons. I just wish I could convince everyone else to do the same =]

so please. appreciate the small things. they are much bigger than they seem. if you allow it to happen, its the small things that could really make the difference.

Our life is our choice...

I want to know all the right answers.
I want to know that where I am is where I'm supposed to be.
I want to know why the world is the way it is.
I want to know how to get to where I'm going.

Living and Learning is all part of the experience, I understand that.

I believe in free will.
I believe whoever our higher being is knows where we will go, but allows us to choose.
I believe in love.
I believe in having choices.
I believe everyone should be able to make the choices they want without fear of judgement.

I appreciate my life.
I love everyone in my life.
I get very anxious.
I hate being out of my comfort zone, and having my choices taken away.
I'm not claustrophobic in the meaning of the word.

I wish the world were a happier place.
I wish safety was a guarantee for everyone I love.
I wish I didn't feel so crazy.
I wish I didn't overanalyze everyone and every situation in my life.
I wish I had more trust.

I'm very happy with where I am.
I just have a lot of questions.
I wish I could have the answers to those questions beforehand.
Some say that maybe thats the journey of life, is living and experiencing to find the answers.
But I don't want to make any mistakes.

Chocolate Frosting Anyone?!

i'm happy.
i'm safe.
i'm loved.
i'm in love.
i'm warm.
i'm clothed.
i'm free.


it's okay to eat frosting with a spoon. peanut butter too.
it's okay to get frustrated over stupid things.
it's okay to be crazy.
it's okay to spend hours doing something stupid, as long as it makes you happy.
it's okay to be you without worrying about everyone else.
it's okay to wear your flip-flops in the snow.
it's okay to be vulnerable.
it's okay to laugh about everything.
it's okay to make your own choices.
it's okay to need to have a goodnight kiss.
it's okay to not be able to explain how you feel to anyone else.
it's okay to cry.
it's okay to listen to whatever music that fits your mood.
it's okay to sing in the shower. soo okay.
it's okay to expect nothing but the best for yourself.
it's okay to have your own opinion.

I wish upon a star.... *

I wish for the answers to lifes questions.
I wish for love.
I wish for happiness.
I wish for security.
I wish for a forever family.
I wish to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I wish for more independence.
I wish I could stop drinking pop.
I wish when it snowed, it only snowed hard.
I wish when it rained, my pants wouldn't get wet.
I wish when the sunshine was out, there were still clouds.
I wish bathing suits were never invented.
I wish for money. Not to be rich. But to not worry.
I wish for my mom to always taken care of, the way she did for me.
I wish for my sister to learn that she doesn't have to always act tough.
I wish I felt more comfortable admitting that I'm not normal.
I wish I were more exciting.
I wish for a beautiful family someday.
I wish I were still playing volleyball.
I wish I could cook better, or love food less.
I wish I liked memorizing things.
I wish there were more colors.
I wish everyone could find the good in all situations.
I wish today's world wasn't so fast-paced.
I wish I didn't judge people.
I wish people didn't judge me.
I wish I were closer with my dad(s).
I wish my personality stuck out more.
I wish I would have listened when people told me to enjoy being little.
I wish I could see the future.
I wish for everyone to be happy.
I wish the stars would come out more.....